Being in a relationship can feel great! But being in the RIGHT relationship is really what it’s all about. This is the part that requires a little bit more time and work, particularly to build and maintain a healthy relationship once you find the right person.

As wonderful as they are, relationships can bring out all of our previous trauma, family of origin issues, and dysfunctional traits. Unhealed wounds can cause anyone to contribute to a toxic relationship, often without realizing it. Even people with deep love and affection for one another can end up in harmful and destructive relationships.

Of course, there are also people out there who will do you harm with complete disregard for your feelings. These folks may seem great on the surface, but once you start getting to know them, disturbing qualities arise. Often times you don’t see these issues right away, or you may even be led to believe it’s all your fault.

In order to find out if your relationship has toxic qualities, consider the following:

• Dishonesty - Do you or your partner lie or misrepresent the truth to each other? Do you feel like you can’t tell your partner the whole story or like they’re hiding something from you?

• Gaslighting - Does your partner question your sanity or immediately tell you you’re wrong when you bring up issues? Are you starting to question yourself about things you’re seeing and hearing because your partner says they’re not true? Or, when you’ve done something hurtful and don’t want to admit it, do you shift blame to your partner by accusing them of being too sensitive or paranoid?

• Control - Are you both free to be your own people and to have fun, fulfilling lives outside of the relationship? Can you make decisions for yourself, even if your partner does not agree with you?

• Jealousy - Can you see friends and acquaintances without getting treated with suspicion or being accused of cheating? Can you both spend time with other people without fear or retribution?

• One-sided vulnerability - Are you as open and honest about your life as your partner is? As you build trust, do you both feel safe revealing increasingly personal information to each other, or do you sense a barrier?

• Blame - Are you quick to accuse each other of causing problems or everyday mishaps? If something goes wrong, is your partner quick to tell you that it’s your fault?

• Dismissal of feelings - Do you listen to your gut and acknowledge your feelings? Are there fears about the relationship that you’re too scared to admit to yourself or anyone else? When your partner tells you how they feel, do you listen and validate (even if you don’t agree), or do you reject or deny their feelings?

• Minimizing - Are phrases like “it’s not that big of a deal” or “you’re being dramatic” used in your relationship? Do you often feel scared that you’re overreacting and try to convince yourself that every problem is smaller than it seems?

• Guilt trips - Do you or your partner try to induce guilt when you’re not getting your way? Does your love for each other get called into question when there are disagreements? A guilt trip might sound like, “If you really loved me you wouldn’t do that” or “I guess I’ll just sit alone all night while you’re out with your friends.”

• Ignoring boundaries - If you or your partner asks for space, is it granted? When needs and desires are communicated, are they respected?

• Not asking for consent - Do you ask for each other’s consent in situations that involve the other person? This includes (but is not limited to) sexual situations. Do you feel safe and heard or do you get pushed into doing things that feel uncomfortable for you?

If traits on this list sound familiar, that doesn’t mean that your relationship is over. It is completely up to you to decide what you are willing to tolerate and what your deal-breakers are. Relationships that have taken on toxic qualities can be repaired with mutual intention and hard work. If you and your partner are both capable of acknowledging that there are problems and accepting your share of responsibility for fixing them, then a lot can be done to heal the relationship.

Couples counseling and individual therapy can both be helpful. Consulting with a professional mental health practitioner can give you some ideas about where to start.

Stay tuned for my next post in the series on relationships, which will teach you signs of a healthy relationship. Coming next week!