What to Do When the Holidays Hurt
Starting in childhood, popular culture fills our heads with images of holiday perfection. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, a joyous family assembled around the dinner table, peace on earth and good will towards all humans... But that’s not what it’s like a lot of the time, especially in the midst of an on-going global pandemic.
The holidays can be a painful reminder of parts of life that hurt. Things like not having a happy family to go home to or dreading being around our family because it hits on decades of old wounds. Or maybe it’s just that relative who won’t stop talking about his conspiracy theories. In any case, the holidays can sometimes make us feel more isolated and lonely than ever.
The holidays are also a time when our attention is drawn to family members who are no longer here. The season can bring up grief as we remember those we have lost, and we might even feel overcome by sadness. With COVID-19 resulting in such devastating losses, many families will be mourning their first holiday season without a loved one.
And there are a host of stressors that get piled on us this time of year that can result in us feeling worse than we have all year. We might succumb to people-pleasing, saying yes to things we don’t have time for or risking our health because we are afraid of hurt feelings if we decline an invitation. We might put ourselves in debt trying to get the perfect gifts for everyone or get so busy that we neglect our physical and emotional needs, to the point of feeling exhausted and resentful.
It’s a time of year when we’re presented with endless ways to beat ourselves up and feel shame for the parts of our lives that don’t match up to expectations. Especially if we find ourselves in a state of mourning over a holiday season that feels more like a scary movie than something you’d see on the Hallmark Channel.
Here are some ideas to help you cultivate a healthy and happy holiday season no matter what kind of pain you are carrying:
Focus on your “family of choice.” Nothing says you have to spend time with biological relatives if that is not healthy for you. Spend time with people who leave you feeling happy and loved, including your furry friends. These beloved folks are your family of choice, which can be much more healthy and nurturing than your family of origin.
Do something special to remember relatives who have died. Find a way to honor and hold their memories. If your grandmother loved helping others, consider an act of service you could take in her memory. This can help you acknowledge the sadness of loss while staying anchored.
Find traditions that make YOU happy. There is no play-book for the holiday season. Try to think of activities that would actually be enjoyable and build a new tradition around things that bring you joy.
Invest in a self-care plan. Try to think of three things you can do every week that are non-negotiable for your health and wellbeing. Set time to do them and guard it ferociously. These bubbles of “just-for-you time” provide an opportunity to recharge and are an affirmation of your self-worth.
Confide in others. Since we expect this to be a happy time of year, we might feel pressure to bottle-up our feelings. Try to fight that urge by picking a safe person you can talk to about how you’re really feeling. This honest communication can help normalize what you’re going through and leave you feeling more connected.
Last but not least, consider altering your intake of social media. If you’re feeling shame or sadness, seeing a curated display of other people’s picture-perfect moments without the context of their inner struggles might not be what you need right now. Think about taking a break or focusing on accounts that leave you feeling uplifted.
I hope that helps anyone out there who is heading into the holiday season with sadness or dread. It might not be the best time of year, but with a little work, it can be a season filled with at least a few moments of serenity.
