Blame
The blame game. It isn't very helpful, but it's easy to play.
Blaming is a common thought distortion, and it happens in a number of ways. For example, instead of seeing unexpected issues as simple facts of life, the mind looks for someone or something to blame. This tendency can be heightened by trauma, as the subconscious mind tries to keep us safe from future danger by pinpointing the source of the harm. Often, blame is misattributed due to the chaos of trauma, and we end up without a useful strategy to avoid future trauma.
Blame can also stem from unresolved resentment and judgments. Sometimes the stories we create about the people in our lives, valid or not, cast them in roles that become deeply entrenched. If our narrative is distorted and goes unchallenged, certain people can become our emotional scapegoats. Over time, every little bump in the road becomes “their fault" whether or not they have anything to do with it.
Self-blame is also a common issue. Ideally, we can accept responsibility for our words, actions, and influence. In reality, this sense of responsibility can easily become distorted. Trauma, defensiveness, and a lack of insight can leave us unable to take accountability for ourselves. In this case, we often make excuses and engage in blame shifting. It is also common to overcompensate and blame ourselves for things that are not our fault. The tendency towards self-blame can be very harmful as well, as it robs us of the opportunity for healthy confrontation and boundaries.
So what can be done? As with any distorted thought pattern, understanding and learning to spot these automatic thoughts is a great first step. Bringing mindfulness to our daily lives, we learn to catch these thought distortions as they happen. Once we can objectively see the distorted thoughts, they becomes easier to challenge and change.
A therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy can help you work on developing the tools to overcome distorted thinking. If you identified with this post, it might be worth speaking to someone to see if challenging your thinking might improve your overall state of mind.
