Is your relationship healthy?
Falling in love is a special feeling. There are psychological and physiological phenomena going on when we have romantic feelings stirred up. Our brains provide a rush of chemicals that can mimic the effect of being on drugs, which feels great and helps us securely bond to our partners. But it can also cloud our judgment and get us pretty mixed up.
As we get to know potential partners while judging compatibility, long-term interests, and trustworthiness, that flood of feel-good chemicals and emotions can leave us falling for the wrong people and getting invested in a relationship before we’re ready.
There are two steps you can take to stop your heart from leaping before it looks. First, try making a list of all the qualities you’d like in a partner, including their personal attributes, what you’d like the relationship to be like, and how you want to be treated. Let that be your blueprint for what to look for when you date. Next, as you start to bond with someone, look for the following signs of relational health:
Emotional intimacy - Do you both feel comfortable revealing increasingly personal ideas, thoughts, and experiences with each other as you build mutual trust?
Respect for boundaries - If you need something (or need something to stop), can you voice this to your partner and be met with understanding and support? If your partner asks for something like time to think, do you respect the request?
Nonviolent communication - Do you illustrate empathy and positive regard, even during heated disagreements? Or does your communication dynamic include yelling, belittling, name-calling, marginalizing, etc.?
Building trust - Do you both actively illustrate trustworthiness and integrity? Building trust requires action. Do you feel like you can trust your partner, and do you deserve their trust?
Interdependence - Can you rely on your partner when you need assistance? Can you receive help without becoming helpless? And can you provide help without having to take on the role of a parent or caregiver?
Maintaining individuality - Are you comfortable continuing to be your own person, with independent friends, interests, and desires? Do you support your partner in maintaining their own individual pursuits as well?
Avoiding couples' isolation - Are you and your partner both encouraged to spend time with others outside the relationship? Do you feel guilty if you do something without your partner? Do you pressure them to invite you everywhere they go?
Assuming positive intent - Do you give each other the benefit of the doubt when hurtful things happen?
Acts of love - Can you look at your relationship and see evidence of love, compassion, and selflessness? Do the words “I love you” feel hollow and compulsory or do you actively embody them in the way you treat each other?
These are just a handful of qualities that describe healthy relationships. Even if your relationship checks every box on this list, maintaining a healthy relationship takes work and ongoing dedication by both parties. If you’re not sure if you’re in a healthy relationship, it is worth exploring. Processing your thoughts with a trusted third party, including a therapist, can help you see dynamics that need further exploration or attention.
For more information on the other side of the coin, read my post about signs of a toxic relationship.
Bottom line: You deserve to be in a healthy, functional, supportive, and loving relationship. Always remember your worth, and don’t settle for less than you deserve!
